Monkspider Reviews: Movie Lineup for November 2004
It is time for notable internet movie critic monkspider to share his insight into several recent releases.
The Grudge: Here we have another Buffy spinoff that has action star Sara Michelle Gellar fighting boring monsters and zombies. If you Buffy fans thought that "Angel" was pretty shitty, you are really going to have to hold your nose on this one. Here, Buffy has journeyed to mystic China for some unknown reason. Once she's there, she decides to do vampire-slaying in some old house, the evil girl from "The Ring" makes a guest appearence, and hillarity ensues.
The small trappings of an actual plot that exist between gratuitous monster shots and Buffy shower scenes, can be described as "utterly incomprehensible" at best and "vapid tripe-shit" at worst. The movie constantly switches back and forth between so many different characters, that the audience is left befuddled, angry, and running for the exit. My view: This Grudge has a grudge on good movie-making.
1 1/2 out of 4 Christmas Crunches
Saw: This was just another movie about people with bear-traps. Nothing special to see here.
1 Christmas Crunch
The Incredibles: This Shrek knock-off provided lousy voicy acting, a meandering plot, and a running time that bordered on obscene. The makers at "Pixar", who have otherwise never created anything of note, did not even attempt to hide the obvious computer graphics in this movie. If you think Jar-Jar looked like obvious CG, wait till you see this!
In an attempt to steal fanfare from the recent Spider-Man 2, Pixar decided to make it's protaganists super-heroes. Look at them while they fly, and lift cars, and shoot lasers out of their eyes! Wheeeeee! Excuse me while I gag.
The movie tried to shove some vague pseudo-philosophical claptrap down your throat about individualism vs collectivism, contrasting super-heroes and the peasents, an obvious rip-off of various Kurosawa films. Here's a little tip from Kurosawa to the talentless hacks at Pixar: "Try harder next time, filfthy American devils!"
The movie featured a family "drama" that could have been copied from an episode of the Cosby Show. Yes, it is the stereotypical "super-heros struggling with their powers and ultimately coming together as a family in the end". Oy vey, didn't this sort of thing become stale in the 80's? And the robots in this movie looked like something directly lifted from War of the Worlds. Someone call the H.G Wells estate, and tell them they have been haxxored!
The only upsides to this movie was that Harrison Ford was in the theatre the day I saw it (yeah, no joke! Harrison Ford yo!) and that Elastigirl was totally smokin' hot. This reviewer could have bounced nickels off that ass. In the end though, this was one Incredibles that's not so incredible.
4 ouf of 4 Chrismas Crunches
The small trappings of an actual plot that exist between gratuitous monster shots and Buffy shower scenes, can be described as "utterly incomprehensible" at best and "vapid tripe-shit" at worst. The movie constantly switches back and forth between so many different characters, that the audience is left befuddled, angry, and running for the exit. My view: This Grudge has a grudge on good movie-making.
1 1/2 out of 4 Christmas Crunches
Saw: This was just another movie about people with bear-traps. Nothing special to see here.
1 Christmas Crunch
The Incredibles: This Shrek knock-off provided lousy voicy acting, a meandering plot, and a running time that bordered on obscene. The makers at "Pixar", who have otherwise never created anything of note, did not even attempt to hide the obvious computer graphics in this movie. If you think Jar-Jar looked like obvious CG, wait till you see this!
In an attempt to steal fanfare from the recent Spider-Man 2, Pixar decided to make it's protaganists super-heroes. Look at them while they fly, and lift cars, and shoot lasers out of their eyes! Wheeeeee! Excuse me while I gag.
The movie tried to shove some vague pseudo-philosophical claptrap down your throat about individualism vs collectivism, contrasting super-heroes and the peasents, an obvious rip-off of various Kurosawa films. Here's a little tip from Kurosawa to the talentless hacks at Pixar: "Try harder next time, filfthy American devils!"
The movie featured a family "drama" that could have been copied from an episode of the Cosby Show. Yes, it is the stereotypical "super-heros struggling with their powers and ultimately coming together as a family in the end". Oy vey, didn't this sort of thing become stale in the 80's? And the robots in this movie looked like something directly lifted from War of the Worlds. Someone call the H.G Wells estate, and tell them they have been haxxored!
The only upsides to this movie was that Harrison Ford was in the theatre the day I saw it (yeah, no joke! Harrison Ford yo!) and that Elastigirl was totally smokin' hot. This reviewer could have bounced nickels off that ass. In the end though, this was one Incredibles that's not so incredible.
4 ouf of 4 Chrismas Crunches
posted by Monkspider at 1:00 PM
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