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Friday, November 19, 2004

Monk-History: Atom Bombs! The Once and Future Film?

A couple of years ago film historians finally managed to find a copy of Thomas Edison's 1910 version of Frankenstein. It was the first horror movie ever made, and in 1980 AFI included it on their list of the top ten most "culturally and historically significant lost films". After years of searching it was finally discovered, not unexpectedly, at a garage sale. So here we have this wonderful gem of a movie that was dismissed as lost forever, but, at the last moment, it was rescued from the depths of the abyss by thrifty garage-sale hunters. What a great story, huh? Alas, while Frankenstein has been found, the single most important and sought after lost film remains elusive. The film that men have searched the four corners of the globe for, from the mountains of Tibet, to the bottom of the Antarctic Ocean. That, of course, would be monkspider and snowbot's greatest masterpiece: "Atom Bombs!".

The actual details surrounding "Atom Bombs!", this legendary holy grail of lost films, regretfully, remain sketchy at best. The few vague memories that remain indicate that the film was intended to be some sort of a vague warning against the dangers of nuclear proliferation. Filmed in 1995 or so, it was the first joint directing effort on the parts of monkspider and snowbot. Although the film had humble beginnings as a mere 7th grade science project, it eventually grew into film project so ambitious that it stood over the world like a colossus.

Like I said, the plot of the film has been mostly lost to time. I recall that I played the main villain; a notorious general of some stripe with a bad Jamaican/Mexican accent. Snowbot I believe was the principal hero. One of the main gimmicks of the film was that we were going to immitate the poorly dubbed Asian movies that we loved by having one person read the lines while the actual person playing the character would just move his mouth to simulate speaking. Some of the more comedic moments came when one of us was "dubbed" by Snowbot's little brother or sister. I realize that this joke may sound unfunny now simply because the whole "bad dubbing" thing has been run into the ground by movies like Kung-Pow, but back in 1995 this was incredibly fresh stuff! The only other vivid memory I have of the movie is one scene where snowbot's little brother and sister are playing in the sandbox when an atom bomb goes off. I believed we simulated this by simply shaking the camera.

Anyway, the film's release was a huge hit. A runaway success that was completely without precedent. It was amazing. We were getting positive reviews from teachers, students, I think even Gene Siskel called to congratulate us on our masterpiece. We were all kids who were generally frowned upon as the underclass or losers of middle-school society, so to breakthrough with a movie that was this popular was truly something worthy of praise. I remember that the teacher liked it so much that he even showed it to other classes.

It was clear we were on to something huge. I was sure that the multi-million dollar deal with 20th Century Fox to distribute the film nationwide was just a phone-call away. For a couple of days we were lifted of our plight of being amongst the school's scorned. We even recieved the occasional nod of approval from the popular kids. We were well on our way to getting dozens of girls' phone-numbers and possibly even losing our virginty many years earlier than would actually occur historically in our timeline.

But there, at the height of our revelry, just when all seemed right with the world, tragedy struck. In a notorious decision that would haunt snowbot for the rest of his days, he gave the only copy of the movie to our friend Rodger. Rodger, always being somewhat inexplicably airheaded on certain things, took the film to his uncle's house, where it disappeared forever, probably to be recorded over by Cinemax soft-core. We never saw the film again, and attempts to reclaim the film only ended in frustration. For at least a good year afterword, we ocassionally discussed ways to somehow get the film back. Even at this young age, we had the foresight to realize the film's historical significance. However, our protracted efforts to get back our artistic masterwork only ended in failure. Oh, if only Da Vinci had his Mona Lisa or if Shakespeare had his Hamlet snatched away upon the moment of their completion, how the world would mourn! I cursed the Gods and Rodger every night for this turn of events.

Over the years, "Atom Bombs!" remained an irregular conversation piece amongst Snowbot, Candyman, and I. Probably no more than a couple months would go by before we would make some passing reference to the film, or even inquire as to whether the miraculous had happened and a copy of the film was actually found. All that remained were the original titlecards that we used during filming, which were tucked away in snowbot's room even until late in high school. It may be possible that Snowbot even still owns these last-remaining relics of our work.

So if you are ever at a garage sale, and you happen to find a blank cassette tape featuring the witty repartee of three handsome young chaps offering a stern warning against those foolish enough to harnass the power of the atom, hold on to it. You might just have found a masterpiece.




Saturday, November 13, 2004

Monkspider Reviews: Movie Lineup for November 2004

It is time for notable internet movie critic monkspider to share his insight into several recent releases.


The Grudge: Here we have another Buffy spinoff that has action star Sara Michelle Gellar fighting boring monsters and zombies. If you Buffy fans thought that "Angel" was pretty shitty, you are really going to have to hold your nose on this one. Here, Buffy has journeyed to mystic China for some unknown reason. Once she's there, she decides to do vampire-slaying in some old house, the evil girl from "The Ring" makes a guest appearence, and hillarity ensues.

The small trappings of an actual plot that exist between gratuitous monster shots and Buffy shower scenes, can be described as "utterly incomprehensible" at best and "vapid tripe-shit" at worst. The movie constantly switches back and forth between so many different characters, that the audience is left befuddled, angry, and running for the exit. My view: This Grudge has a grudge on good movie-making.

1 1/2 out of 4 Christmas Crunches




Saw: This was just another movie about people with bear-traps. Nothing special to see here.

1 Christmas Crunch





The Incredibles: This Shrek knock-off provided lousy voicy acting, a meandering plot, and a running time that bordered on obscene. The makers at "Pixar", who have otherwise never created anything of note, did not even attempt to hide the obvious computer graphics in this movie. If you think Jar-Jar looked like obvious CG, wait till you see this!

In an attempt to steal fanfare from the recent Spider-Man 2, Pixar decided to make it's protaganists super-heroes. Look at them while they fly, and lift cars, and shoot lasers out of their eyes! Wheeeeee! Excuse me while I gag.

The movie tried to shove some vague pseudo-philosophical claptrap down your throat about individualism vs collectivism, contrasting super-heroes and the peasents, an obvious rip-off of various Kurosawa films. Here's a little tip from Kurosawa to the talentless hacks at Pixar: "Try harder next time, filfthy American devils!"

The movie featured a family "drama" that could have been copied from an episode of the Cosby Show. Yes, it is the stereotypical "super-heros struggling with their powers and ultimately coming together as a family in the end". Oy vey, didn't this sort of thing become stale in the 80's? And the robots in this movie looked like something directly lifted from War of the Worlds. Someone call the H.G Wells estate, and tell them they have been haxxored!

The only upsides to this movie was that Harrison Ford was in the theatre the day I saw it (yeah, no joke! Harrison Ford yo!) and that Elastigirl was totally smokin' hot. This reviewer could have bounced nickels off that ass. In the end though, this was one Incredibles that's not so incredible.

4 ouf of 4 Chrismas Crunches



Monday, November 08, 2004

Monk-News: Bush to Citizens of Fallujah: "Prepare to Be Liberated From the Tyranny of this Foolish Mortal Coil"



On the eve of what top American generals expect to be the fiercest fighting the United States army has faced since Vietnam, President Bush made a heart-felt speech to the citizens of Fallujah, promising to do all he can to "liberate them from the tyranny of this foolish mortal coil.". With a warm farewell sent to the people of Fallujah as they "bravely face the great hereafter", Bush said that years of suffering under the tyranny of Sadaam Hussein and a "mad world, devoid of reason or compassion" have finally come to an end.

While he would not diverge details, he did assure reporters that the principal tools of liberating the Iraqi people included napalm, depleted uranium shells, and the Bradley M2/A3 Tracked Armour Fighting Vehicle. Bush assured the Iraqi people that he "would not rest" until they were completely free from "the meaningless absurdity of our uncaring world".

At one particularly moving point in his speech, Bush quietly looked down, with a single noble tear trickling down from his eye, and his pained expression revealing the deep emotion he felt. He then asked the audience: "What is a man? But a worthless pile of secrets? Are our lives anything but a collection of foolish dreams and ambitions that are dashed upon the rocks by the capricious fates for a moment's sport? Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing."

When pressed by a reporter, Bush confirmed that the main reasons for his desire to free the Iraqi people were "the uncaring hand of a blind, fool God" and the Administration's position that "All existence is but the fickle whim of time and circumstance, doomed to be swept away by the inexpungeable forces of entropy". In response to critics of his policy, Bush simply replied "The Sun sets on us all, to believe otherwise is the nakedest of folly."

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Snowbot's World: Can America Afford to Turn Her Back to Zombies?

It's late at night and you are driving home in your Lexus LS, with your Starbucks in one hand and your cellphone to your ear. You reach your destination and leave your car with the intent of entering your suburban home and sitting down to Sex and the City. But you stop short as you hear your trash can being knocked over from somewhere obscurred by shadows. "Who's there!?" you call out in a strained voice. Out of the shadows a silhouette forms, gradually transforming into an undead creature....

BAM! You blast the zombie with your pistol right in between the eyes. It falls like dead weight, and you drag him into the garbage.

You make me sick.

People today are too easily swayed by all the media hype about zombies being dangerous, zombies eating people, zombies vomitting acid, yaddayaddayadda. In short, its steaming pile of politically aimed bullshit. I am sick of listening to sound bytes of George Dubbuya talking about the crises our nation is in. This "War on Zombies". As proven by visionaries like George Romero, zombies can in fact be tamed and utilized for the benefit of mankind. ZOMBIES ARE AMERICAS GREATEST UNTAPPED RESOURCE.

Think of what the domestication of the common zombie could do for society. Got a mouse problem and your cat wont get off its fuzzy little ass? No problem, just dont feed the zombie for a day and it will be drooling all over the house for the little critters. Are you a special needs individual who is tired of waiting on the absurdly long list of people waiting for a seeing eye dog? Three words: seeing eye zombie. Are you afraid for your families security but dont want to risk keeping a gun in the home? Fence a zombie within your yard. World hungar? Eat zombies. War on Terror? Send zombies to Iraq. You want to create jobs in America? Then why are we throwing away such potential markets as zombie hunting, zombie taming, not to mention the manufacture of zombie feed and other countless merchendising oportunities.

All I am saying is this: Next time you see a wild zombie trying to find some raw meat in your gargage can, have a heart. Think twice before putting a hole in its head. It was once a person like you or me. Lets do the humane thing and enslave them for the benefit of us still living. Ensure your children the future they deserve.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Monkspider Reviews: Boo Berry (2004)

Boo Berry, perhaps mankind's finest interpretation of the breakfast cereal ideal. Check my review of the beast HERE

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Three Hurrays for Snowbot!

CCvstSR:WWW has added a second editor to it's ranks, the notorious snowbot! Let's give him a warm reception! I look for Snowbot to add a bit of class to this blog that has been sorely lacking.

Snowbot is a true genius, who has been hand-picked for his excellent contributions to many different academic disciplines. Even the new animated "email" gif is his creation, what a top-notch fellow! Three Hurrays for Snowbot!

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Monkspider Investigates: Bush to Expand the War on Terror Beyond the Cosmos?

Citing a number of official sources, monkspider has proven that the Bush Adminstration is planning for no less than to expand the war on terror beyond earth's borders.

Click here to read the article!
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